Almost 6 Years

Hey its almost 6 years...

And it seems like I've got nothin'

I'm the stubborn one that I'm not believe all of my pain is the useless one

Shit, I think I'm the stupid one

Boundary Park With Yellow Flash In Light

Like a butterfly, I fly away freely where ever I want. I released my own pain that I've hold in a long time there. But you know, when I've almost released there's came another pain. It comes from my "friends" that I've always waiting. She's desperate, it looks from her eyes. The stars aren't shine anymore, and it looks so pale.

"Hey, I'm here, if you feel a pain just share it to me"

I just wanna say that sentence, but it stuck on my tongue. Here it goes, I didn't say anything. I just remember the place that I can release my pain, a boundary park with yellow flash in light.I can see a fallen leaves there, hear the water waves.

But, can I restart my hope again?

Save The World !!!

Whoaaaa I think this year gonna be a year with rainy season!

There's no dry season for this year, and I think its because global warming...

What should I do if next year was full of dry season?

Hey its time for us to save this world, we want live in better situation, isn't it?

I will start using bicycle, and you should also

Lets save our world, starts from today

23.10 pm

I remember I woke up in 23.10 pm last night, but I feel kinda strange in this clock. Ohh I remember, its october, and that clock show me the dates of my birthday. But, hey I feel so sleepy again after remember this. Because I remember another facts about that dates. I never feel somethin' special on that day. Because no one ever remember this in their memory. Its just like being forgotten. Its hard to admit, that I wanna be the special one on that day, but it never happen. Hahaha I'm just laughing when I remember this. I feel that day never be special by the others, includes me. I feel that day as same as another day, never being special. At the first time I feel this day wasn't special maybe its hurts, but now I feel it isn't hurts, because there's nothing special on that day. Maybe its too much pain I feel this alone and I don't know I could share with who. But I never hate this situation. 

Why do I need feel this special but the others not?

Hahahaha I'm just laughing when I remember this day

I hope someday I can find the cure of my wounds on my heart

I'm sleepy now, I just wanna sleep again

bye...

Peri Kecil dan Edelweiss

Perjalanan dimulai ketika aku melangkahkan kaki di sebuah taman yang indah, di sebuah kaki gunung. Aku melangkah mengikuti arus angin, yang membisikan sebuah takdir, seakan bercerita padaku. Yaaa, mungkin hanya imajinasiku saja, tapi dia menenangkan ku ketika aku mulai terjatuh. Terjatuh, tak kuasa menahan pedihnya kenyataan, hingga sebenarnya aku lupa bagaimana rasa pedih, bagaimana rasa sakit, bagaimana rasanya memulai semua dari awal tanpa ada yang membantu ku berdiri ketika aku terjatuh.

Mengingatkanku pada dirinya, seorang peri kecil yang sempat hinggap di tanganku. Dan, seketika peri itu menyembuhkan luka lama ku, yang kurasa tidak akan pernah sembuh. Aku pun merasakan betapa indahnya kepakan sayap peri itu, melihat senyum lugunya, dan aku pun sempat menenangkan tangisnya. Baru pertama kali aku pernah merasakan indahnya bahagia, senang, tertawa, ketika sedang bersama peri kecil itu. Lantunan melodi terdengar mengayunkan langkahku untuk ingin selalu bersamanya.

Dahulu kala, aku tak pernah percaya akan cinta dan kasih sayang, karena kurasa itu tak pernah ada, itu adalah hal yang mustahil aku dapat dan aku rasa. Seketika peri itu hinggap aku mulai mempercayainya, dan mulai belajar untuk melakukannya.

Tapi kini peri itu pergi, hinggap di pundak seseorang yang tidak aku kenal, seseorang yang jauh lebih baik dariku. Kini ku kembali ke sudut pandang lama ku, bahwa kasih sayang dan cinta itu memang tidak ada, hanya untukku tidak ada. Seketika luka lama ku terbuka kembali, dan menyisakan luka yang lebih dalam, lebih sakit, lebih perih. Kuamati peri itu pun menghabiskan senyum dan tawanya bersama orang itu diluar sana. Menyembuhkan lukanya, dan terbang pergi bersamanya.

Kini kuamati taman bunga edelweiss di kaki gunung, ku terbaring di rumput hijau dan mengamati indahnya langit biru dan awan putih. Sungguh hari yang cerah, hari yang indah. Aku tarik nafas dalam dalam, dan mengeluarkan nafas panjang. Ingin ku hembuskan masalah yang menghadapiku, kehilangan satu-satunya harapan untuk menyembuhkan luka ku, menghangatkanku, tempatku bersandar dan bercerita. Semua ternyata hanya sesebentar ini, tidak abadi seperti bunga edelweiss disamping kepalaku yang sedang bersandar, yang mekar sepanjang hidupnya, mewangi dan mendominasi taman yang ada di kaki gunung ini. Mahkota indahnya beranalogikan putih yang suci, dan membersihkan luka hingga sembuh. Kulihat peri itu hinggap di bunga edelweiss, dan melambaikan tangannya mengucapkan perpisahan.

Yaaa, ternyata kasih hati peri itu abadi bagai edelweiss, tapi mungkin bukan untukku. Aku ingin kembali pulang dari taman ini, kembali ke habitatku, sudut gelap kamar. Merenung bahwa aku tak akan pernah bisa memetik sesuatu yang abadi bagai edelweiss. Kini bertambah luka baru ketika lebah menyengat dan terbang pergi. Mirip seperti peri kecilku, terbang pergi jauh bersamanya entah kemana. Meninggalkan luka bekas harap dan asa. memutuskan logika dan menggelapkan mata. Aku ingin percaya lagi harapan, tapi aku buta. Walau gelap malam mulai datang dan lampu taman mulai bersinar, aku tetap tak bisa temukan jalan pulangku.

Aku ingin peri kecilku kembali, menghapus luka dan menyinarkan cahaya mata indahnya. Aku terbelalak sesekali ketika menyadari bahwa itu hanya sementara. Kantung mataku mulai penuh, menghambat keluarnya air mata yang merindukan bahagia. Aku ingin dewasa dan aku ingin kuat, tapi aku tak sanggup berdiri ketika aku terjatuh seperti ini. Sesekali kututup mataku, dan berdoa semoga dia bisa kembali.

Buta

Aku lupa, betapa butanya aku ini. Semua karena memang aku tak pernah merasakan hangatnya senyum salam sapa di pagi hari. Aku buta, tidak bisa bedakan indah dan pedih. Aku buta, karena aku terlalu menyimpan angan tak berguna. Aku buta, karena aku selalu seperti ini, hanya bisa menyesal dan menarik nafas panjang. Aku buta karena aku butuh...

Ketika orang luar berpendapat bahwa aku ini salah langkah, aku terus melaju mengejar sesuatu yang aku rasa terlalu sakit untuk dikejar. Aku lupa, bahwa aku tidak bisa berpikir jernih. Semoga ini hanya pengecualian.

Mungkin aku tau, suatu hari nanti aku bisa memiliki apa yang aku butuhkan, tapi entah hari itu akan datang atau tidak, aku hanya bisa berharap.

Kau berubah, tapi tetap kukejar, semua karena aku buta. Aku buta karena aku butuh. Aku buta, kau sudah pergi dan berubah semenjak hari itu.

Bangku taman tempatku mengeluh pun sudah bosan menerima ku

Ya Tuhan, tolong lembutkan hatinya untuk menyayangiku...

Amin

Terima kasih Tuhan

Titik Terang Ilusi

Semua berawal ketika matahari yang tenggelam mulai meredupkan sinarnya

Terlalu lama tenggelam dan tindak pernah memunculkan sinarnya lagi

Ibarat asa mencari nyata

Beranalogikan pemikiran skeptikal yang melawan arus

Seketika itu pun titik terang muncul

Dan aku mulai berharap bahwa itu adalah matahari baru

Pagi yang baru, dan hari yang baru

Dan ketika titik terang itu mulai meninggi

Menceritakan asa yang mulai tumbuh

Seperti bunga yang hendak memekarkan wangi dan indah mahkotanya

Ternyata yang kulihat hanya sebuah titik terang ilusi

Peri peri pun berterbangan kesana kemari memudarkan titik terang tersebut

Ilusi, ya mungkin hanya ilusi

Tak kusangka, harus kuterima kenyataan pahit ini

Speechless

Hey, I just wanna say sorry
If I have a mistakes
I just wanna say, please do come home soon
I wonder I can see your smile again

Did you know that, your smile cover my every dreams
but why you leave me?
why you change to me
I know you never need me
I just want to know your reason

I don't know what I want to write
I'm so speechless
and guilty

I feel so empty, always feel so empty and lonely

Springless Year

I think that I have missing something in this year
I don't feel that blossom will developing after this long long winter
It's been a year I haven't meet another spring
So I'm not going to city park because of this something strange


Hahah, obviously  I miss have a laughter with you
That "blossom" mean something live in my mind
I know I haven't find another spring anymore after that times
yeaah, "The Blossom of Mind" can't live if didn't meet a spring


This summer I'm gonna melt away
This summer air gonna burst me up
It's too much pain that I must shared with you
But I know you love another guy
And that guy are one of my best pal
So I don't think that I wanna you know that I love you


Did you know that I always using this fake smile?
Did you know that I always using this fake laugh?


I don't know how to say
Everything gonna mess if I can't tell you
But there's more a mess if I tell you
yeaah I admit that I wanna say...


"I love you, would you be my spring in my mind"
"So that blossom won't die again again and again"
"This winter is too cold for me to live in, and I'm breezing"
"I need something warm, yeah warmness on the soul"


yeah, I need something to lock my pain
mmmh oh yeaah I have a principle that say
"What will you get with being envy with each other? Everybody have their own pathway for life"
but now I fell I wanna say


"Hey, I'm envy, so what will I get?"


and the answer is "NOTHING"


I never get something I want
I never get something I need
yeaah its too hurts to say
my life's so pathetic
I always learned how to being "helplessness person"


But today, I know I must facing that pathetic truth
I will always watching you,
your words, your step, your laugh, and everything
I will keep this "memories of summer"
Memories that makes me regret of have a hope
I won't hold that rope of hope anymore
But I know you will have a great blast with my best pal
yeah He's the best for you

Yeah I hope one day I will find another spring
and I hope you will read this letter

Embun

Pagi mulai berdetak. Semu gelap mulai beranjak Entah mengapa mataku tiba-tiba terfokus pada titik embun pagi yang mulai menetes.

Kupijak rumput hijau, seakan saling menyapa dan saling bercerita, dan tak lama setelahnya aku pun mulai berbaring. Seketika air mataku menetes, tapi kuanggap hanyalah embun pagi.

Tak kusangka indah mentari pagi tak seindah hidupku. Penuh beban, noda, dan keluh kesah. Seakan seperti embun yang menetes tiada henti, air mataku pun bercucuran menyeruak dan mulai menggenang.

Ya, itu adalah genangan cerita pahit yang kualami sendiri. Seakan kepik merah pun tak iba melihatku, mereka berterbangan lalu lalang dengan indahnya menikmati indahnya pagi.

Mentari mulai naik, memancarkan cahaya jingganya, tetapi semakin terisak aku melihatnya. Sisi kelam yang mulai membunuh sukmaku, karena tak kunjung padam putus asaku.

Kepalaku mulai membeku. Nafasku pun mulai tidak teratur. Memori mati tentang kesendirian tak kunjung hilang. Tak kuasa aku bendung air mata, tak ada pundak yang bisa aku jadikan sandaran. Sandaran beban, asa, dan rasa ingin berbagi cerita. Rumput dan dedaunan mulai bergoyang tertiup angin, seakan  membelai mengusap air mata.

Menghibur diri sambil tersenyum hampa, mungkin hanya itu yang bisa ku lakukan. Seakan musim panas ini akan berakhir begitu saja, tanpa ada pijakan rangkulan yang membuat hidupku secerah terik mentari di siang hari.

Gelap dan buta, mungkin itu yang  melukiskan isi hatiku.

"Ya Tuhan, semoga pagi esok genangan air mata itu sudah tiada..."

Withered Mind

How can I explain in this pain?
Oh damn, I can't keep my word
How can I explain my jealousy?
It makes me remind, how can I tell I feel so comfort with you
Finally, I must take my words that I won't be in love with a girl that an "ex-girlfriend" of my pal

Have you ever miss me?
I'm sorry that maybe we can't be together
My friend is in love with you.
But how I feel can called "withered mind"
Yeah, I hope you will know about the meaning of this letter
Maybe this is a thousand times I've ever felt like this

I never have a happy ending story in my life
I hope this is the last time I feel this hurts
I just wanna hug you, maybe my heart can tell you about the pain that I hold

Just give me a one last try
Please...

Frightened

ohhhh, it's 4am and I'm awake for something unnecessary
so I prefer to write something even I'm so sleeeeeeeeeepy
oh maybe it isn't a "dream walking", but its a "dream blogging" hahaaaaa


Whoaaaaa, its been a loooooooooooooong time I didn't write in this blog..
I haven't something to share, I'm not desire to write a "poem" maybe hahaha

I just wanna say somethin', maybe a hubbub story


yeah maybe I'm so happy when you around, and I'm so pleasurable
but I'm frightened if one day I'm fall in love with you
even if people around us says "GOTCHA !!!" if we are going together to someplace,
if we share a dish together, if we laugh together...
I dunno what are you feel to me, but I don't want to be your "special one" for you
not only that you are an "ex-" of my friends, but I just wanna be your friends, or best friends maybe, not more...

if I move too far, it will makes me awkward

so maybe in a week or a month, I won't give my attention to you
I won't say "Eat this, or you will die by your diet programs"
hahahahhaha


I hope you will know about the meaning of this letter

and I hope you will be another sun for another man

Friends, Finally I've Got Some Words for Mean This Thing

Thanks guys, I know that maybe you all get some "emphatic" about my pain that I've hold after almost 6 years..
Thanks for advice and for helping me to get a new "friends"
I know that you want if I must to "more than just a friends" with my new friends
But making a relationships is not as easy as put back your hand Its hurts to say and remind, that I still waiting for that "6 years-pain"

Yeah you're all my best, best friends I've ever have, that know much and try to emphatic with my pain that I've pretend in a long long times.

Thanks guys, finally I've got some words for explain what is friends are

Hard Decision

yeah, finally I've done a hard decision
I'm resigned from my band
coz I must finished my college
hmmm, I didn't say that my band destroy my mark in exam
but I must stay focus in this way
I hope one day I can sign in again with this band

I love you guys, keep it rocks !!!!

End of March

oh, its end of march..
its driving me crazy coz I must do some weird decision
oh its hard to make decision, its about my career in my band, maybe I should leave it..
but, my bandmates very very support me to stay

yeah I admit that last week we have a little clash, but I don't think that it was my reason for leave
maybe I should leave coz I must stay focus in my college, coz to be a dentist I must have a lot of time, for doing homework, study, practical work, and have a lot of time for a rest also..
sometimes I feel so proud to be a member of this band, but sometimes I feel don't have much time for rest, for do homeworks, and many more..

Honestly, I want to stay in this band, I want to run together with my bandmates, I want to make a lot of song that maybe can tell a story about myself or about the others, and I want to defeat my "enemy", hahahahah

I still don't know what should I do
Its really makes me to make a hard decision

Its Almost 7 Month

Hey, its almost 7 month we didn't meet. Finally, I can see your smile again. But you know that, its makes me hurts again, because I know that its real that impossible that I can be yours.

haha

Your smile yesterday makes me happy, even its just for a minute. I'm stuck of this situation. Its just a "two-minutes" conversation with me, but I feel so different.
Yeah, I see a different light when I see your eyes, but I know it can't be mine.


Its hurts, and painful, "but I believe pain and hurts is the pathway for become wise"


hey, I promise that I will make a song about this,
it called "Its Almost 7 Month"

I don't know what to say, I just want to share

 



























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I don't know how to fill the blank above

I don't know what to say, I just want to share
maybe I can't hold this pain anymore
I can't write down anything, or something important
even now I don't understand about myself,
I will keep fight with this situation

hahaha
maybe I just laughing, but exactly I just laughing at myself

just remember how it hurts
just enjoy the night without dreams anymore
just say congratulations with someone with happiness

I'm breezing, its cold
just like my mind

I just envy with everyone
I wanna just like them, that can get what they want
hmmm maybe at least they can get what they need

I know writing down like this was useless
but I don't know with whom I can share
I don't know with whom I can lay
yeaaah, I admit that I'm lonely

sometimes I feel so mad
sometimes I feel so unfaithful

but this is my lifeline
even it's hurts, I believe one day I will get something any better
even that "beautiful day" will come or not


I'm collapse
yeah maybe this is the best words that can shows how am I now

Please Don't Tell Anyone

Five years ago,
I remember that I made a promise that I won't surrender
yeah one day I will get what I want

but something happen now, after long long time, its time to confess
that I can't keep my promise
It's hard to move on
It's time that I can't hold that hard breath anymore

I surrender I can't keep my promise
I'm tired of this poetic tragedy
I'm tired of writting lyrics for you

this winter makes me breeze need a warm,
but I know that I won't have it any
even such a little



life's always unfair, isn't it?




hey, just do it something that makes you better
if he was the best for you, just say thanks to your God
just forget me, and I admit that I surrender
this is just for your happiness
please don't tell anyone that I can't keep my promise on

I admit that it hurts when you didn' answer my call

Being "forgotten" is the worse thing ever

hey, I guess I wanna say something in this blog. My currently mood huh.

I guess I was being forgotten by my "fairy of april".
She's never have a talk to me, invite me to somewhere we can meet each others, didn't answer my call, and many things.

ya ya ya, I hope you won't forget about me. I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not.

hmmmmm, what should I do? or should I give up?

hey, I wanna say I miss you so bad, I want to meet you again, and have a little conversation.

You even didn't answer my call. You even didn't invite me for today's reunion party.

whoaaaaa, I think I'm really being forgotten its hurts, eventually being forgotten with someone who important to me


yes, I feel lonely

Rainy New Years

It was rainy new years last night, and it was a rainy all day long. Maybe this is a sympathetic from god to me. I've been crying in my mind. I was crying so hard, just like hard rain that's time. I can't forget my pass, my hope, heartbreak, guts, endeavor, pressure, trouble, destiny, and much more. I have lost my brave for facing a trouble anymore. Everyday I've got something hurts, and it's never getting any better. I have lost someone for sharing and taking care of me. Every time I wanna say I miss you, and every night I wanna say I love you, I can't do it.

Forgive me. I always waiting your call. You've been in my dream every night. But my endeavor is always useless, and its driving me crazy.

Yes it's hurts

When I think about this pain, suddenly I've got hard to breath.


What a painful life

Tearing me was the useless things I've ever do, cause it's never ends.
When I look into the sky, I just can smile, take a deep breath, watch the clouds covers the blue sky.

Can I facing reality again? Could I? Would I? Should I?

If only, I've got someone for share, and I can lay beside her...
If only, its getting better...

If only............

Oh damn, I can't write any wishes anymore. It's hard, and it's hurts, cause my hopes never become reality.

If only it's getting any better